Seung-Hui Cho and I
I couldn't help but think of some similarities between Seung-Hui Cho and my former self. I never had violent tendencies, but I was very similar. I would go to Elementary School, High School, and College and be the biggest loner. I never walked the school's halls with friends. I would be in the library at a table by myself studying. I would eat at the cafeterias and dining halls at a table all by myself. I never talked to anyone. I didn't have any friends. It is very striking to read the similarities of my social skills growing up to that of Seung-Hui Cho.
Often, I would wonder if I ever got married would anyone sit on the groom's side for me? Or if I died, would anyone show up at my funeral? I even had a teacher recommend counseling when I once wrote a paper about my greatest wish was "to have a friend". Of course, I never did go to counseling. I knew that no counseling in the world could instantly help me get a friend. I was trapped in a horrible and painful cocoon that I could not find my way out of. The only one to truly help me out of the cocoon was going to have to be me.
Sadly, I was incapable of coming out of this impenetrable shell because I knew I was VERY DIFFERENT. If I made eye contact or tried to talk to others, they would immediately reject me because I was gay. As the only gay person I knew, I thought I was a freak of nature. Back in my days at a rural school, being gay meant getting beat up. It was scandalous and life threatening to be a gay youth. No one must know. No one must find out.
That all changed when I came out in the early 1990's. Thanks to Kevin, everything changed in my life. I discovered other gay people. There was a whole community around me, but I didn't even realize it. I was happy. I was among other gay people just like me. I often felt like this marked my "real birth". This was my real life. That past life of being friendless and gay was someone else's life. When I came out to my family and co-workers in 1997, I felt such utter joy and happiness. I could finally stop living a lie and let them see the real me. When I think about where I have come from and where I am now... I can only smile and be proud of my progress.
HOWEVER, I still have a ways to go. I probably attach too much of my identity to being "gay". Just this morning, I became keenly aware that I am still the same boy that sometimes doesn't talk or make eye contact with anyone. Everyone at my gym is very hetero, young, and good looking. I guess I am scared if I said "Hi" and introduced myself, they would immediately reject me. As soon as I gave my last name, they would know who my father is. (He's very well known in the Parish) They would then narrow it down to me being the gay son they hear about. Why am I still scared that they will immediately reject me? At this point... I should be over it. Yet for some reason, being comfortable with everyone knowing that I am Brett the homo son of So and So is something I haven't been brave enough to conquer yet. It is the last vestige of my difficult childhood that I haven't completely expunged yet. That should be my mission.
It is weird too. At the gym, I see other guys look at me as if I am an oddity. They are so curious as to why I am so quiet. They are curious why they never see me socialize with others or hear my voice in the gym. I see those looks. Today, I caught several looks that made me feel conscientious that maybe they think I am like Seung-Hui Cho. It embarrassed me. In light of all my progress in life, why can't I be as comfortable in a gym with hetero strangers as I am in other places?
As I was leaving the gym, I picked up a Muscle Milk and a protein bar. The young girl at the counter said "I'll put this on your account." I begin to read her my account number on my gym card, but she interrupted me with... "I know your name and got it taken care of." I asked "You know my name?" She smiled and said "Of course I do! You are Brett _______. " I could only smile.
Often, I would wonder if I ever got married would anyone sit on the groom's side for me? Or if I died, would anyone show up at my funeral? I even had a teacher recommend counseling when I once wrote a paper about my greatest wish was "to have a friend". Of course, I never did go to counseling. I knew that no counseling in the world could instantly help me get a friend. I was trapped in a horrible and painful cocoon that I could not find my way out of. The only one to truly help me out of the cocoon was going to have to be me.
Sadly, I was incapable of coming out of this impenetrable shell because I knew I was VERY DIFFERENT. If I made eye contact or tried to talk to others, they would immediately reject me because I was gay. As the only gay person I knew, I thought I was a freak of nature. Back in my days at a rural school, being gay meant getting beat up. It was scandalous and life threatening to be a gay youth. No one must know. No one must find out.
That all changed when I came out in the early 1990's. Thanks to Kevin, everything changed in my life. I discovered other gay people. There was a whole community around me, but I didn't even realize it. I was happy. I was among other gay people just like me. I often felt like this marked my "real birth". This was my real life. That past life of being friendless and gay was someone else's life. When I came out to my family and co-workers in 1997, I felt such utter joy and happiness. I could finally stop living a lie and let them see the real me. When I think about where I have come from and where I am now... I can only smile and be proud of my progress.
HOWEVER, I still have a ways to go. I probably attach too much of my identity to being "gay". Just this morning, I became keenly aware that I am still the same boy that sometimes doesn't talk or make eye contact with anyone. Everyone at my gym is very hetero, young, and good looking. I guess I am scared if I said "Hi" and introduced myself, they would immediately reject me. As soon as I gave my last name, they would know who my father is. (He's very well known in the Parish) They would then narrow it down to me being the gay son they hear about. Why am I still scared that they will immediately reject me? At this point... I should be over it. Yet for some reason, being comfortable with everyone knowing that I am Brett the homo son of So and So is something I haven't been brave enough to conquer yet. It is the last vestige of my difficult childhood that I haven't completely expunged yet. That should be my mission.
It is weird too. At the gym, I see other guys look at me as if I am an oddity. They are so curious as to why I am so quiet. They are curious why they never see me socialize with others or hear my voice in the gym. I see those looks. Today, I caught several looks that made me feel conscientious that maybe they think I am like Seung-Hui Cho. It embarrassed me. In light of all my progress in life, why can't I be as comfortable in a gym with hetero strangers as I am in other places?
As I was leaving the gym, I picked up a Muscle Milk and a protein bar. The young girl at the counter said "I'll put this on your account." I begin to read her my account number on my gym card, but she interrupted me with... "I know your name and got it taken care of." I asked "You know my name?" She smiled and said "Of course I do! You are Brett _______. " I could only smile.
posted by Brettcajun at Wednesday, April 18, 2007
12 Comments:
I wouldn't be surprised if there are many people out there, including myself, who have experienced or are experiencing what you have described. To myself, it was always a "self-revelation" as to who I am. I can't tell you how things have changed after coming out in 1995. It's a whole new life out there. And yes, there have been challenges along the way. I myself am at the crossroads where you are; identifying myself as the gay son of Mr. & Mrs. ________. Especially since I live in my hometown. I've always wanted to relocate after coming out, but there was a job opportunity that I couldn't pass up. You are not alone. :-)
I have to say, this piece of writing has given us a glimpse into your life, Brett. A new glimpse. I've seen a whole new side to your ability to write and describe your life and self. It's very cool. As Steven already said, we're right there with you...and, at least, have some idea of what you're talking about....we've been there, believe me. Huge, giant hugs. Thanks a lot for sharing and bringing us into the inner circle.
I don't know why your comments surprise me. I thought that I was the ONLY ONE...you thought that YOU were the ONLY ONE. Sad, huh? If only we had known. In the years that followed, I met other gay men who it turns out I had gone to school with and it was SO amazing and I felt so foolish. How could I have been so naive? Well, anyway, thank you for sharing such heartfelt thoughts. You certainly are not alone. Are numbers are legion.
Hi, Brett!
Wow! I could not imagine that you were a quiet boy. What about your twin brother? Was he quiet, too?
I know how you felt. I knew I was different from the rest as a child. At age of 12, I learned that I am homosexual (I learned a term of gay much later). However, ironically, I was crowned as a homecoming king at my public high school, where a large number of deaf students enrolled. But, I still was unhappy inside because I wished I could be myself as a gay person.
Also, as a teenager, I had two big obstracles to approach.....deafness and gayness. It takes a lot of courage for me to mingle into a non-deaf group that had never met a deaf person before as well as into a non-gay group that had never met a gay person before.
I can hide my gayness, but can not hide my deafness, which is clearly self-described. AS being deaf, I realized that I was born to teach because a large part of this world's population has never met a deaf person before, and I keep on teaching them about Deafness and its culture..for the rest of my life. I am sure that also applies to gayness, but I know that, unfortunately, opening one's gayness is more challenge than opening one's deafness because being gay is much likely to be bashed or condemned by others.
As a deaf person, I approached somebody who treated me like Satan because of my deafness. She did not even look or speak to me and my deaf friends as if we were aliens from another planet, and she told her non-deaf son, who happened to be my partner at that time, that deaf people should be living separately from the rest just like whites vs blacks in old times. Also, she constantly condemned me and her son for being gay. I was treated badly as TWICE because of both deafness and gayness. That was a decade ago. This was a great opportunity for me to grow strongly and to build my ability to stand for myself as a gay deaf person.
Brian D.
Brian D. - I have to share this with you:
The airport, of our rather large city here in the United States, was recently enlarged. To control the increased noise, they were soundproofing the homes near the airport. Our mayor suggested that we could save money by not soundproofing, but moving deaf people out near the airport.
I swear that is a true story and the city is Toledo, Ohio!
Aw... I already knew most of what you had to say, but I will say that's the nicest thing you've ever said about me in public.
As the commenter on here who probably knows you "offline" the best (or at least, has known you the longest and possibly the most about you), I think you've done a really good job growing up into a whole person. Just keep up the good work and stop worrying so much about what other people think about you... I've been telling you for almost 15 years now, if you can stop worrying about that, 95% of the problems you encounter in the world will go away.
I know where you're coming from, Brett. I know it all too well. Have a safe trip and buzz me when you're in town.
Wow, for as long as I've read your blog, I wished I could be more gregarious, outgoing and friendly as you. I guess you never really know people until they tell you about themselves. As far as the gym goes, just smile and be friendly and that goes a long way. You might discover your gym isn't quite as straight as you thought, either.
Thanks guys for commenting on my post. That was a VERY personal post. I have come a long way since that time. You'll find me very social among friends, out in the clubs and at work. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with shyness, but I can feel my own anxiety when I am in the presence of total strangers. It'll always still be there. The trick is learning how to deal with it and "manage" it.
Kevin M: Yeah... you showed me the "gay world". It was an awesome time in my life. I felt like I was finally "living". Or that I had just arrived on a spaceship to my OWN world. I went from having ZERO friends to an explosion of friends. (I prolly did go overboard in "meeting" new friends) Ha ha. But... I am glad you were there to guide me when I was 23 years old. Happy times have been here with me since then. :)
Wow. I thought I was the only one :)
It wasn't the same for me, but it WAS similar. Many of us have gone through a long but steady transformation in our lives. I hadn't realized you were one of them. And I'm happy you're in a much better place now.
Hi Brett:
I'd like to quote some of your Cho piece in an upcoming column in Xtra West.
Could you contact me at matt.mills@xtra.ca
?
Cheers.
Matt
I was a total quiet guy in school, too, and it hurt to read this entry only because it struck so close to home. I feel like I still have a long way to go, despite all the strides I've made since starting to come out 5 years ago. As they always say...it's a process.
This, combined with your more recent entry about your past life crashing into your present, was really inspirational to me. It's scary stuff, which makes you incredibly courageous for pushing through that fear to the rewards on the other side.
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